I’ve been thinking a lot about capacity at the moment. How it stretches and shrinks. I remember boldly asking a friend when I was pregnant with my eldest, “What will I actually be doing all day?” The thought that my days would be completely consumed by someone so tiny who just slept and ate was completely unbelievable to me. My friend (who had already had two children) laughed and gave me a look that I now understand. The look that says, “I don’t want to scare you, but you have no idea what’s coming for you.” She was right, I couldn’t compare running a small business to looking after an infant.
After having my first baby, I watched my capacity shrink to nothing. Even having a shower or a hot cup of tea seemed questionable. But as she grew, started daycare and finally let my partner settle her, slowly my capacity stretched again. I was able to run my business in a regular way, socialise and even shower whenever I pleased!
Then number two came along and everything shrunk again. Thankfully this time, I know that capacity is elastic. It will stretch again, and I know that somehow I’ll be running my business, looking after my two little girls and maybe even exercising in the not-too-distant future.
What has been refreshing this time is this belief that I won’t always feel like this. That I won’t always need to schedule or plan every tiny thing I do for myself in advance. Just yesterday, I was counting down the minutes until I could hand our children over to my partner when he finished his work day so I could finally shower. Blast the hot water, lather up the soap and make my own little warm, sound-proof bubble where I could just breathe and be an independent person for a few minutes. It seems almost unbelievable that soon enough this will be a regular part of my day that doesn’t need to be planned in advance.
My capacity will stretch again and this time I know it. I am spending less time wondering if I have become less capable, less organised, less motivated… (Although I am not going to lie, there are definitely still moments where I am sure I have become less intelligent.) I’m working on trusting that my capacity has shrunk in some areas, as it’s needed to expand to be a mother. That it is my number one role right now.
This concept is at the centre of the idea of ‘Softening.’ The idea that our capacity isn’t static. Just because something feels difficult now, doesn’t mean it will always be that way.
So often we try to force ourselves to create as though our capacity never changes. We set goals based on who we were six months ago or five years ago, and then feel guilty when we can’t meet them.
I’d like to invite you to stop fighting against the reality of the season you’re in. To lower the bar where it needs lowering.
Right now, can you take a few minutes to think about the following questions?
Can you choose a smaller project?
How can you take the project you have had in mind and whittle it down to its most simple form?
Can you spend some time sorting fabric instead of sewing, if sewing itself feels out of reach?
How can you make room for making to exist alongside everything else?
Softening isn’t about doing less forever. It’s about trusting that capacity will stretch again. And in the meantime, treating ourselves with enough gentleness that we don’t lose our connection to making while we wait.
And on the theme of capacity, I am keeping things short and sweet today. I am writing this essay while bouncing my baby in her bouncer and she is currently gurgling away asking for a little bit of attention. Instead of pushing through to write another two paragraphs, I’m reminding myself that this is where my capacity is at today, and that’s okay.
